New Year, New Me?

How does this happen? How does a year move by so fast? I’m not sure if I can actually bring myself to believe we’re entering 2017. In the lead up to the New Year, I’ve been getting that feeling that hits your insides. A dull ache I’ve come to associate with fear. Not pain, and not necessarily sadness – more a muted fear, that I’ve not done enough. That this next year will bring much of the same. That I’ll feel like I failed in someway.

I haven’t achieved what I wanted, I didn’t share my feelings with that guy I sort of kind of but not really liked, or that in some paradoxically universe my life would feel more complete. I wouldn’t be that twenty-four-year-old living with her parents, going through a degree purely because I couldn’t get a job. The excitement of finishing in May tainted with the unknown. Do I leave the country I’m studying in, do I go home? And to what? To do what?

My friends all seem so successful – they have a plan. Or at least I think they do. And for some reason they all seem to be getting engaged, or having babies(!?) It’s amazing, I feel like I’m getting left behind.

I think we can all relate to those feelings. The feelings of shame, fear, disappointment. You’re not good enough for this, you regret not doing that, you hate yourself for making someone upset. If you’d only tried harder…

I guess I’m kind of sick of that now.

I’m sick of hating me, and in that process faking a different me who I hate even more but seems to be accepted by those around me. An ever-so-trying, always caring if slightly unhinged version of the person I should be.

I’m sick of it, and if a fake persona is what you put up too, my vote is now to stop it. I don’t want to be a half person for fear of upsetting someone, not saying something I believe because they might not believe it too. Generally I think I’m okay, but funnily enough it’s the people closest to me who probably don’t know me really, at all. I always just nod, say yes and smile.

Reality is something different.

I just want to scream at them.

So, I’m not making any resolutions, not the usual anyway, you know – be nicer, healthier, fitter.

Nope, none of them.

I guess the only resolution I’m going to make, if I have to call it a resolution, is to be me.

Unapologetically me,
because at the end of the day my happiness is all that counts and I’m a full on believer (even if I haven’t lived my own advice so far) that you have a choice to be happy.

At the end of the day, if friends and if family can’t accept you for you – do you need them anyway?

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be,” -Abraham Lincoln

Happy New Year,



Reflections on a New Year

So I started writing this last night, after an insane night of Czech/German winter sledging, endless drinks of mulled wine, brut and some as of yet unidentified ginger spice liquor which was to say the least a bit bleurgh.

I’m so lucky that I left it as a draft because the read-through this morning proved to be full of what can only be described as an endless rant of nothingness which although is very me included words the Oxford dictionary has yet to include such as: “bkafo” and “jfkaflkjjjjjj”. If anyone has the meaning to these words I would very much appreciate it. My brain was obviously working too hard.

To that end: I’ve redone this blog.

Well, we made it. Through 2014 and out at the other end. 2015. Twenty-fifteen and it just simply doesn’t feel real. How on earth can a year pass by so quickly? Like everyone I’ve had my ups and down this year. Mainly ups, although I guess at the time it never really felt like a there were more positives then negatives. Sometimes it takes reflection to realise how many ups there were.

We all do this, but when something good happens we tar it with the negativity brush of insecurity and the feeling of failure, or as I’ve taken to calling it “the devil brush of me”. Let me explain. It’s the side of you that is constantly putting you down. The part that charms you ever so quickly in downplaying strengths, it makes you questioning originally easy decisions, and most importantly it claims your willpower and saps your once good desire to achieve.

We’ve all been painted by this devil’s brush. Each of us has our own insecurities.

When I graduated I was over the moon for all of about two minutes. Why the heck hadn’t I passed with a first class degree, why had I let myself down and only got a 2:1. If I’d only stayed in more, how the heck could I have been so stupid. What a waste of money and of time.

That was me. I couldn’t understand how I had let myself down so incredibly.

And then I realised. Not straight away but at least a month after, I hadn’t let myself down at least not until I had started questioning the failure of not achieving and being the best. When I let my subconscious devil in it was allowed to wreak destruction on my confidence levels once again stabbing away at the brick work until there was nothing but dust.

You can’t ever stop this feeling but you can overcome it. Maybe not that day, or the day after, or the month after. But eventually you have to work out that the only way of not failing is to realise that by not allowing the devil’s brush to use you as a canvas you have won.

2015 is a year for change, but for me it is without resolutions.

How many times do you make a resolution only to break it and then feel as if you’ve failed causing the devil’s brush effect. For me that number is high and that is sad. So this year there is no resolution. This year it’s a time for change without the seriousness of hating myself if I don’t get it right all the time.

Maybe you could call it resolution, but I won’t put a name to it. That makes it all the more terrifying and for some reason makes it seem impossible.

2014 was an amazing year through everything that seemed negative at the time. But I chose to remember the better things, the times when I cried laughing so hard with my friends, the times that I put my heart and soul into projects that I loved, and the times that I spent living.

I realised people don’t do enough living. They have a life but they don’t live it.

2015 is a time to change that. Take a risk, do something unexpected and live your life because at the end of the day, this life is as far as we know all we’ve got. You deserve a beautiful life no matter what your past. You can change yourself, it might be slow but you can do it. Everyone is capable of and deserves to live as the best version of themselves, and yes everyone does have a best version.

Life is a gift, and you chose who you help with that gift.

Happy New Year and may 2015 be the time you live your life.